as much as i love the way i live my social life, what with all the ppl i meet and stuff i do, sometimes life just does not allow you to have everything go your way. Simply put, circumstances in our lives force us to make decisions - decisions based on importance. Inevitably I must chose what's right and be mature about what decision i make. It's about time anyway.
unfortunately, i never took this job to spend on myself. i work to satisfy others and clear my name, if you know what i mean. haha. so for the next 6 months or so, i'll have to say goodbye to my social life to make more time for work/school and save the cash from the vigorous spenditure of my socialising. haha
still hope i can get that guitar next month though! I mean i gotta keep something for myself too right? lol
sorry buddies, i wont be able to hang as much for a while... :(
yea.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Equality Before Equal Rights.
The other day I was thinking. I asked myself why until now I got no bf - i came up with a million reasons but that's not the point.
There is so much fuss these days, about equal rights in the homosexual community. In Singapore though, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, although us GAY people are starting to step out into society more and more openly.
I once questioned if one of my life's purpose is to fight for equality FOR the gay people in this country. Why though, would I want to do that? Is it cuz of the fame? the chance to live MY life freely? the attention I could create? Or just because I feel strongly about it?
Then i remembered fighting for LGBT rights is fighting FOR the LGBT people. And its here that i hit my wall. "Why seh, should i fight for them?" - i asked myself. When I took myself out of the picture and just looked, i saw that us homosexuals dont even see ourselves as equals, let alone to have others see us as equals in society. I don't know why, but many many gay guys I know are as shallow as the puddle that forms after the rain next to the lonkang, along the roadside. They judge each other's looks, gender, mannerism, physicality, RACE, and such. People are just physical objects and no longer human beings that have emotions thoughts.
I talk to my gay friends and this is exactly the criteria they judge their potential life/sex partners to be. So in many ways, we discrimnate each other first in purely physical ways that the straight world has been able to somewhat overcome (or so it seems).
I thought that of all the people, gay people would be the ones not to judge other people and accept them for who they are. Turns out, its the other way around. Its kinda ironic, but we have ourselves have become a society of judgemental and discriminating people. The very thing gay people around the world are fighting AGAINST.
Now I am not resistant to this society. I myself have been judgemental and discriminating people. But for once, I can take myself out of the picture and see what it is I am doing. A huge slap on my face. Somehow I feel and wonder, that if i did not behave like this, I would not fit into this society - something I kinda dread.
All these made me realize, that if there is any society that needs to have its mindset changed, its the gay people themselves. Why would the world accept a society of people that judge themselves yet seek not to be judged by others outside the society? Wouldn't that be hipocracy? Human nature I guess, but we are beings that have choices - we chose what we want to believe in and what we want to accept. Because of that, there is no doubt that we can look past the physical and accept people for who they really are; chubby,slim, open, passive, chinese, indian, malay or otherwise.
maybe someday I'll see these things not to be true, and have a broader picture - at least i hope I will.
p.s. all these references are taken in a local context, i have yet to experience the culture of international gay societies.
cheers.
aj
There is so much fuss these days, about equal rights in the homosexual community. In Singapore though, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, although us GAY people are starting to step out into society more and more openly.
I once questioned if one of my life's purpose is to fight for equality FOR the gay people in this country. Why though, would I want to do that? Is it cuz of the fame? the chance to live MY life freely? the attention I could create? Or just because I feel strongly about it?
Then i remembered fighting for LGBT rights is fighting FOR the LGBT people. And its here that i hit my wall. "Why seh, should i fight for them?" - i asked myself. When I took myself out of the picture and just looked, i saw that us homosexuals dont even see ourselves as equals, let alone to have others see us as equals in society. I don't know why, but many many gay guys I know are as shallow as the puddle that forms after the rain next to the lonkang, along the roadside. They judge each other's looks, gender, mannerism, physicality, RACE, and such. People are just physical objects and no longer human beings that have emotions thoughts.
I talk to my gay friends and this is exactly the criteria they judge their potential life/sex partners to be. So in many ways, we discrimnate each other first in purely physical ways that the straight world has been able to somewhat overcome (or so it seems).
I thought that of all the people, gay people would be the ones not to judge other people and accept them for who they are. Turns out, its the other way around. Its kinda ironic, but we have ourselves have become a society of judgemental and discriminating people. The very thing gay people around the world are fighting AGAINST.
Now I am not resistant to this society. I myself have been judgemental and discriminating people. But for once, I can take myself out of the picture and see what it is I am doing. A huge slap on my face. Somehow I feel and wonder, that if i did not behave like this, I would not fit into this society - something I kinda dread.
All these made me realize, that if there is any society that needs to have its mindset changed, its the gay people themselves. Why would the world accept a society of people that judge themselves yet seek not to be judged by others outside the society? Wouldn't that be hipocracy? Human nature I guess, but we are beings that have choices - we chose what we want to believe in and what we want to accept. Because of that, there is no doubt that we can look past the physical and accept people for who they really are; chubby,slim, open, passive, chinese, indian, malay or otherwise.
maybe someday I'll see these things not to be true, and have a broader picture - at least i hope I will.
p.s. all these references are taken in a local context, i have yet to experience the culture of international gay societies.
cheers.
aj
Monday, October 19, 2009
Running After Money.
It's my 6th day of work already, so that means I've been working 6 days out of the possible 7 in a week. Wow. Anyways today - or maybe I should say yesterday, considering it's past 12 am - was supposed to be my off day. But yesterday my supervisor requested i work today as well. Even after denying the idea initially and explaining to him that I had school the following day, he still was persistent. He said this one thing to psycho me "can la... earn a little bit more money only lor," so there you have it. I went to work today so that an extra 15 bucks or so could be added to my wallet. -.-
Nonetheless, it was an interesting experience. I don't think many new guys get to be a food runner in their first week, like I was today. My name was not on the initial list, so the supervisor just added me under the 'food runner collumn'. It's not as easy as it seems okay! There are so many items on the menu and i kept on having to ask the chefs what it was I was serving. This one chef probably got irritated and then chose not to reply me. He pointed to receipt instead, which stated the short form of the food I was carrying. Ok la, at least now I know how to identify the food I serve now.
My one screw-up today was how i held the hot plate. Apparently you're supposed to hold it with your forearm below the wooden platform and ur palm supporting it, with the side where there is no sauce facing you. I held it with my fingers at the sides... lol. The plate was damn hot can? I knew it would be hot, BUT MAN that was FLAME GRILLING HOTNESS! I burnt my fingers carrying out to the customer lol. Furthermore, the sauce was splattering all around (because it's poured onto the hot plate and it starts sizzling) and i got minor burns on my forearms as well. Lol. My supervisor caught me and after a short discussion with the other supervisor, he brought me back into the kitchen and taught me how to hold it.
I told myself to remain motivated in this job and keep on doing my best even though I may be new and suck at lots of things - that's exactly what I did today. I managed to get past the initial blurness and then picked up my pace to match the rest of my co-workers. A buddy of mine helped me by teaching what I should do and how. I wanted a waiter's job, so now I huess I have to deal with whatever shit I may get from doing this.
My first waitering job and despite all the setbacks, I'm still lovin' what I do! :D
Nonetheless, it was an interesting experience. I don't think many new guys get to be a food runner in their first week, like I was today. My name was not on the initial list, so the supervisor just added me under the 'food runner collumn'. It's not as easy as it seems okay! There are so many items on the menu and i kept on having to ask the chefs what it was I was serving. This one chef probably got irritated and then chose not to reply me. He pointed to receipt instead, which stated the short form of the food I was carrying. Ok la, at least now I know how to identify the food I serve now.
My one screw-up today was how i held the hot plate. Apparently you're supposed to hold it with your forearm below the wooden platform and ur palm supporting it, with the side where there is no sauce facing you. I held it with my fingers at the sides... lol. The plate was damn hot can? I knew it would be hot, BUT MAN that was FLAME GRILLING HOTNESS! I burnt my fingers carrying out to the customer lol. Furthermore, the sauce was splattering all around (because it's poured onto the hot plate and it starts sizzling) and i got minor burns on my forearms as well. Lol. My supervisor caught me and after a short discussion with the other supervisor, he brought me back into the kitchen and taught me how to hold it.
I told myself to remain motivated in this job and keep on doing my best even though I may be new and suck at lots of things - that's exactly what I did today. I managed to get past the initial blurness and then picked up my pace to match the rest of my co-workers. A buddy of mine helped me by teaching what I should do and how. I wanted a waiter's job, so now I huess I have to deal with whatever shit I may get from doing this.
My first waitering job and despite all the setbacks, I'm still lovin' what I do! :D
Sunday, October 11, 2009
To my bearbear.
That's right. This post is for you. You seem so adamant on letting the entire world know about us in your blog, I didn't think you'd mind me having this one post to tell everyone that reads this blog (there are not many so no worries).
I have been waiting my whole life for someone to fill that emptiness I've always felt. To be honest, I thought you'd fill that void. When James first introduced you to me, he pm-ed me seperately from our conference and told me;
"aj. don't let this one slip away."
"why?"
"well you wanted a bf. this could be your chance."
You said you started smiling again after you met me, I could see in those beautiful eyes how much you wanted me. You made me smile again after a long time too, but that smile was in no way strong enough to overcome what I felt in my heart - it told me you were not the one.
I liked you more the more i met you, but never in the way you liked me. In fact, when I was away from you, I felt the most at peace - all that told me exactly what my heart really wanted (or did not want).
I dreaded the day I would not want you to be my boyfriend, but it came eventually. Like I told you that night we met, I cannot force myself to like someone when I don't.
After countless times of getting my own heart broken, I never imagined I'd be the one to break someone elses' heart. At least I did it graciously and did not walk away without closure. Sad thing is you didn't really seem to appreciate that. You dont know how much hurt and sadness I felt to tell you what I did. I ate myself up because of it. Maybe Matthew, Marr and Kelvin would know, but you dont.
I know its easy for you to think I dont care, that I'm the bad guy, that I mistreated you. I hope you see otherwise soon. The first time I saw you I saw your eyes; I peeked into your soul and I knew how innocent and tender you truly were. Characteristics that were not meant for me I guess.
Alas, I don't want this post to be all emo and sappy (because im starting to tear already -.-). Remember how on our first meeting we went up to that block and played with each other at the stairs? I never did that before. We kept saying "stop it," when we both knew we wanted it hahaha. That was fun.
Remember how I felt so guilty for being late when I met you on our second date and I brought you chocolates? I never gave anyone chocolates before, so count yourself honored. Holding your hand in the movies the entire time was the most secure feeling I've ever felt. I don't think you knew that. ;)
Remember how we sat in front of cathay and just talked until i missed the train to meet kelvin? I enjoyed that night, really. Was the most romantic thing I've done in a long time.
And i hope its all these that you will remember from me, and not those bad things you've built up in your head. I know what I will remember.
You're the sweetest guy I've known till date, and I am not just saying that. So here's to you paul. I hope to see you smile again someday and have those beautiful eyes of yours brightened once again.
Have a good life.
aj.
I have been waiting my whole life for someone to fill that emptiness I've always felt. To be honest, I thought you'd fill that void. When James first introduced you to me, he pm-ed me seperately from our conference and told me;
"aj. don't let this one slip away."
"why?"
"well you wanted a bf. this could be your chance."
You said you started smiling again after you met me, I could see in those beautiful eyes how much you wanted me. You made me smile again after a long time too, but that smile was in no way strong enough to overcome what I felt in my heart - it told me you were not the one.
I liked you more the more i met you, but never in the way you liked me. In fact, when I was away from you, I felt the most at peace - all that told me exactly what my heart really wanted (or did not want).
I dreaded the day I would not want you to be my boyfriend, but it came eventually. Like I told you that night we met, I cannot force myself to like someone when I don't.
After countless times of getting my own heart broken, I never imagined I'd be the one to break someone elses' heart. At least I did it graciously and did not walk away without closure. Sad thing is you didn't really seem to appreciate that. You dont know how much hurt and sadness I felt to tell you what I did. I ate myself up because of it. Maybe Matthew, Marr and Kelvin would know, but you dont.
I know its easy for you to think I dont care, that I'm the bad guy, that I mistreated you. I hope you see otherwise soon. The first time I saw you I saw your eyes; I peeked into your soul and I knew how innocent and tender you truly were. Characteristics that were not meant for me I guess.
Alas, I don't want this post to be all emo and sappy (because im starting to tear already -.-). Remember how on our first meeting we went up to that block and played with each other at the stairs? I never did that before. We kept saying "stop it," when we both knew we wanted it hahaha. That was fun.
Remember how I felt so guilty for being late when I met you on our second date and I brought you chocolates? I never gave anyone chocolates before, so count yourself honored. Holding your hand in the movies the entire time was the most secure feeling I've ever felt. I don't think you knew that. ;)
Remember how we sat in front of cathay and just talked until i missed the train to meet kelvin? I enjoyed that night, really. Was the most romantic thing I've done in a long time.
And i hope its all these that you will remember from me, and not those bad things you've built up in your head. I know what I will remember.
You're the sweetest guy I've known till date, and I am not just saying that. So here's to you paul. I hope to see you smile again someday and have those beautiful eyes of yours brightened once again.
Have a good life.
aj.
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Thursday, September 17, 2009
I am A J-mal.
I was discussing this the other day with my bestest gay friend. Most people out there know that homosexuals are known as well, gay. But I bet many don't know that like in different countries they call themselves different things.
Like in Malaysia they're called PLU which stands for 'People Like Us'
In China they're called something in chinese that literally translates into 'comrades'
And here in Singapore we're called AJ - i know. Sounds like someone you know doesn't it? :P
My gym buddy said that I was predestined to be gay because even my name has the acronyms of the gay term. Even though I think we're all predestined to be what we eventually become, I still think its kinda funny, and amazingly accurate how YOU ARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS. Lol.
I think the terminology was created so we can stay discreet, and I guess I pretty much just outed everyone didn't I? Lol. So don't tell anyone about these terms hahaha.
Like in Malaysia they're called PLU which stands for 'People Like Us'
In China they're called something in chinese that literally translates into 'comrades'
And here in Singapore we're called AJ - i know. Sounds like someone you know doesn't it? :P
My gym buddy said that I was predestined to be gay because even my name has the acronyms of the gay term. Even though I think we're all predestined to be what we eventually become, I still think its kinda funny, and amazingly accurate how YOU ARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS. Lol.
I think the terminology was created so we can stay discreet, and I guess I pretty much just outed everyone didn't I? Lol. So don't tell anyone about these terms hahaha.
Monday, September 14, 2009
marr's super-awesome post.
" Love is temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides, And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessnessm it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both and art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. "
i took this from my besty's blog. i think she perfectly describes what love in its essence is. read more of it to find out about her life and her relationship with her sweet boyfriend, seriously.
i salute you marr. congratulations on your love for each other. best buds always, aj.
i took this from my besty's blog. i think she perfectly describes what love in its essence is. read more of it to find out about her life and her relationship with her sweet boyfriend, seriously.
i salute you marr. congratulations on your love for each other. best buds always, aj.
i need you guys right now, like really.
dear blog buddies (that means you who's reading this), i need a little favour from you. i'm trying my best not to think of a certain someone, as you can imagine i would do if you read the previous posts. Now, if i'm alone at home and rotting away, i feel desperately lonely and i start thinking of him. can you guys please drag me out of this depressing house and keep me company? i need to spend my time with someone, lest i start spamming him with smses again.
thanks once again to my best-buds for keeping me company these couple of days to take my mind off him. And thank you in advance for those of you who are gonna drag me out. =D
i need someone to be with tommorrow, that is the 14th of September (technically its today, but whatever laaaa).
send me a message! cheers.
thanks once again to my best-buds for keeping me company these couple of days to take my mind off him. And thank you in advance for those of you who are gonna drag me out. =D
i need someone to be with tommorrow, that is the 14th of September (technically its today, but whatever laaaa).
send me a message! cheers.
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